by Rachel Sokol

I may be a boring, plain and somewhat picky eater, but I love restaurants. Living in Manhattan, even on a budget, you eventually come to love and frequently eat at certain neighborhood noshes. Frankly, I eat pretty much most foods except seafood (I can't stand the smell of fish, let alone eat it and simultaneously smell it) so I mostly stick with diner/American food, Italian, Chinese, Mexican, and anything that doesn't give me a tummy ache or smells funny.

Then there's Chinese, Japanese, and Thai food: I happen to love Asian cuisine. Except I have a big problem when I go out for dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

When everyone else uses chopsticks, I'm the dork with the fork.

I cannot use chopsticks. I don't understand how they can pick up food. I feel like every time I am handed chopsticks, mine are broken or something. It doesn't make any sense. I've always had really nice, straight handwriting, which means my wrists do work. I played piano as a kid, so I know my fingers work. I hold silverware correctly, never put my elbows on the table, always place a napkin across my lap, sit up straight, say my 'pleases' and 'thank yous' and leave good tips. But I can't use chopsticks. It just doesn't seem fair. I've got restaurant couture down pat. Except for the whole chopsticks thing.

Every single time I am handed chopsticks at a restaurant, I stare at those two long shiny tan sticks of wood and wonder, "How on earth do you use these things?" My Lefty-Friends can use them. My Righty-Friends can use them. I imagine that one of my chopsticks is a shish-kebob stick, where I can stab my beef from my order of 'beef and broccoli' and eat it right off the stick. Obviously, I'm a bigger fan of shish kebobs than chopsticks.

I've been fortunate enough to eat at some nice, albeit upscale restaurants in the Big Apple, partly because of work and partly because of my past mid-20's dating nightmares. When at a chopstick-friendly group dinner, I find I am the ONLY one at the table who doesn't use chopsticks. I've had friends endlessly try to teach me how to eat with them. Once, there was no conversation at a dinner party except for everyone wanting to show me how THEY use chopsticks—"It's so easy!" They cried to me. (Yeah, right....it took me 17 minutes to pick up a piece of chicken and I dropped it immediately.) I once had a waiter devote an hour of life at a Be Our Guest restaurant, explaining to me how to hold and use chopsticks without making a mess. No dice. My fingers are too long, my wrist is too bony, I'm too much of a klutz—I make excuses for why I can't use chopsticks. I really try. I try really hard to correctly use them to eat, then I get frustrated while my food gets cold and I just ask the waitstaff for a fork, secretly hoping they don't laugh at me.

Whatever it is, I cannot adapt to chopsticks. So, everyone else at the table looks classy and smart to me, because they can use chopsticks without making a mess, I am the one eating with a fork. May as well strap a baby bib on me while you're bringing me that fork, waiter. Can I see the kiddie menu?

Then I sit there and wonder, wow, I must have NO talent. These people are amazing—they can use CHOPSTICKS. They don't struggle with the sticks at all. They seem like pros. What can I do that can impress others? Let's see...I can blow a massive bubble with about 5 pieces of gum. (Not as cool as using chopsticks professional) Oh! I can....uhhh.....hula hoop for like, 10 seconds till the hoop falls? Uhhhh...Guess your zodiac sign on the first try? (Still not as impressive...) I can....uhhh....fold my dinner napkin into the shape of a duck??? (I really can do this, it shuts kids up at a table all the time)

Sometimes I wonder if my dinner patrons are secretly rubbing it in my face that they are chopstick extraordinare's, and I am not.

So, if you are one of the lucky ones who can perfect the use of chopsticks at dinner, please be kind and don't mock the dork with the fork at the table. We may not know how to properly use chopsticks, but that doesn't mean we don't have feelings, too. Please pass the Steamed Chicken and Vegetables?